Admit it Britain, secretly, you don’t want Trump to lose

This has been a terrible, shameful week in politics, one that should embarrass every politician and every citizen in this great nation.

I’m referring of course to all that has been going on in Great Britain recently. What did you think I was talking about? 

Over in America, it’s been a great week, and everything is going exactly according to plan. What plan? Well, the plan that says that horrible politicians with idiotic ideas, revolting personalities and loathsome morals can actually lose elections. It’s a lesson the United Kingdom really needs to learn before it’s too late. Yes, I can teach you. Before you decide that I’ve gotten ahead of myself, and you tell me that Mr Trump hasn’t lost the U.S. election quite yet, I’d like to point something out to you: I’ve got an excellent track record of predicting the future. Back in March, I wrote a story titled: “The Twist Ending: How Britain Can Learn to Stop Worrying and Love Donald Trump.” Here’s a quote: 

Donald Trump is heralding the irrelevance and destruction of right wing politics in America, and has no chance at all of ever becoming President. But there is a very real possibility that, in just a few months, Britain will vote to leave the EU and the the UK will break apart. 


I got it right then, and I’ve got it right now. I’ve posted numerous times about how Donald Trump was nothing more than a distraction. A circus sideshow that you’re all watching on the BBC News, while the real clowns have snuck around the back to steal the silverware from the kitchen. It’s always been abundantly obvious that Mr Trump has never had any real chance at all of winning the presidency, yet here in the UK, this candidate’s every utterance is documented and decried as if he had already been inaugurated as leader of the free world. Meanwhile, the politicians actually running Great Britain are getting away with implementing horrendous, Trump-like policy decisions right under everyone’s noses. 

Let’s look at what has happened just this week in the United Kingdom: 


Pretty amazing and very frightening when you put it all together and look at it. Is it any wonder that it’s easier for the British people to look across the pond, see Mr Trump and declare:

Oh how horrible that failed candidate is, trying to scapegoat those Mexicans and Muslims and saying crude, rapey things about women! I’m shocked, just shocked! What’s that you say? Prime Minister May has passed another xenophobic law that will forever change the landscape of the United Kingdom now that she’s not answerable to EU courts?  And she and her cohorts are tanking the economy to appease unelected right-wing anti-EU imbeciles? That’s fine I suppose – at least I’m not one of those detestable Americans who almost, nearly, could have possibly elected a foreigner-hating demagogue (but didn’t)! Now shut up – the Great British Bake-Off is about to start. That’s a contest I really care about. 


Look, I get it. Donald Trump is a trainwreck. He’s compelling television. He’s entertaining. But he’s a loser – a big loser. He has not received the endorsement of a single major American newspaper. Not one. Even many Republicans loathe him. If you understand the way America’s electoral college works, Trump has never been rated as having more than a 25% chance of winning. There are so many voting demographics that he’s offended in so many key states, that it would be impossible for him to succeed. Women, Latinos, black people, gay people, sensible people – all despise him. The only people rooting for him to somehow pull off a miracle win are Rudy Giuliani, mouth-breathing white supremacists from rural Texas- and most of the British public. 

Okay – I apologise for lumping the people of the UK in with inbred, redneck morons. I get carried away some times. I know you lot don’t really want Trump to win, and that most Brits probably abhor his persona and his policies. But I also know that there’s a little part of you that would be a lot happier if the next American President was crude, right wing and unsophisticated. George Bush v Tony Blair – that’s the kind of equation you’re comfortable with. Barack Obama was the first chink in the armour of this formula. More sophisticated, more liberal, and more likeable than his British counterpart David Cameron. Somehow that felt wrong to you. On some level, I think you’re counting on Donald Trump to restore the natural order of things. A big old, ignorant, floppy-haired racist buffoon might actually make Theresa May and her UKIP influenced cronies look downright sensible. 

But it’s not going to happen and at some point, you’re going to have to be as obsessed with fixing your own country, as you are with a really bad foreign candidate with no chance of winning. Here’s another quote from my March blog post: 

Instead of worrying about extremism, xenophobia and idiocy in your own country’s politicians, you’re watching this film, comfortable in your belief that the story is all about the final triumph of idiotic right wing American politics, rather than the beginning of their end. But I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. In this film, The Planet of the Apes isn’t some far away world, reached only by spaceship. It’s here right now, in Britain. That’s not the statue of liberty, that’s Big Ben sticking up out of the sand. And you – you are the maniacs who are about to blow it all up. And God damn you all to hell if you do.  


So by all means, do keep secretly hoping Donald Trump will win. There’s a part of me that kind of feels the same way. But also keep in mind that he’s about to either drop out, or face a historic, monumental and thorough landslide defeat. And after that happens you’re going to be sitting there on November 9th, still permanently out of the EU, with an unelected Prime Minister pushing through savagely right wing anti-foreigner laws and policies. And at some point, you’ll probably want to start looking inwards rather than outwards for your daily dose of outrage. 

Maybe it’s time to start thinking about how to Make Britain Great Again™



5 thoughts on “Admit it Britain, secretly, you don’t want Trump to lose

  1. “But also keep in mind that he’s about to either drop out, or face a historic, monumental and thorough landslide defeat”

    You really don’t know what you’re talking about. I live one block from a Hillary For President storefront (it will close very quickly Nov. 9). There is literally no enthusiasm for this woman. The “store” is a ghost town. If we had a Betfair or Ladbrokes I’d head over there and take the odds you’re suggesting. I’d bet the house on it in fact.

  2. Yeah, I’m not trusting much of what comes out of the NY Times these days.

    I look at Hillary’s behavior, not what the Times fact checkers say. She’s hurling every piece of mud she can at Trump. Does someone with an insurmountable lead do that?

    Again, I’d head over to Paddy Power and put my money where my mouth is, if I could.

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